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We need a funny thread

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I honestly think it would be a good idea (and maybe lighetn things up) if we had a thread for jokes (within the usual bounds of decency). Anyone else interested?



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Using batch files in Windows C: / dos C:/dos/run run/dos/run  

Two Friends meet up in a Bar. The first one asks, “Did you hear the news – Mike is DEAD...??!!!”  “Whoa, what the h*** happened to him?” “Well he was on his way over to my house

Tools: PILLAR DRILL : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting

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You're the admin and you can set one up - I can't. Usual rules - no 'offensive' jokes, no flaming, no politics (insulting politicians isn't the same thing though), etc.


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Anyone can start such a thread, in fact you just did. I'll move it to the lounge and you can entertain us with funny stuff, and hopefully others will join in. I'll do my part by keeping it family friendly. 

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During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence, when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold. Twelve dinner guests (including my mother in-law) seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused: "Happy Birthday!!"

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A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”

The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”

The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”

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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Of course if you prefer *nix then....

 % cd /tmp
  % touch this; chmod 000 this
  % ln -s /usr/bin/touch U
  % U this
  U: cannot touch this: no write permission
  $ ar x "my love life"
  ar: my love life does not exist
  $ ar x "matey, the treasure"
  ar: matey, the treasure does not exist
  $ talk Putin@Kremlin
  talk: Kremlin: Can't figure out network address.
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ps. I used to nave a simple dos batch file called lose.bat somewhere in the path that looked something like...



REM you have lost your ms-dos privileges



I got tired of losing every time I typed "Win"

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One of my ancestors was taking part in a public function when part of the platform collapsed. He would have broken both of his legs if the rope round his neck hadn't stopped the fall.

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I'm curious about some Americanisms:

Why is it Ark-en-saw but kanz-ass?

Why is it NYPD but FDNY?

Lemonade is made from lemons - so gatorade is made from??? (I'm not sure if I want to go there)

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